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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park