Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
You Might Also Like
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.