[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
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Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.