If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
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In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*lint rolls you awake*
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…