Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.