[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
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-Balderdash!
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-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Don’t touch that.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
first you must answer his riddles
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
i hate you platonically
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.