remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
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I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*