construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.