Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.