My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Fights fire with marshmallows
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop