Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
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We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
So that’s what we looked like?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.