Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Barbie gone wild
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
This is what makes twitter great
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.