Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.