*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
That was easy.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Scream sneezers need love too.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS