Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
You Might Also Like
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG