me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
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*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Jesus Christ lmao
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
🤣😂
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.