Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*