[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.