[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
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-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd