[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
You Might Also Like
#titanic
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Good point.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: