I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.