SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Knock Knock
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
This sounds bad:
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card