I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.