I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
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I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.