We need to put an American base on the sun
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I get distracted pretty eas
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING