“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*