ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?