DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
You deplete me
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee