Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.