My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
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Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.