INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
You Might Also Like
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected