Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Never be a pizza!
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
awkward