I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded