Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
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Always the camel, never the toe.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????