Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I would like even faster food.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?