I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
This made me chuckle.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?