Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
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I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.