I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂