I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Received some very disappointing news today
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children