@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 馃憞馃従
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me: You should鈥檝e seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that鈥檚 a bird.
Me: I didn鈥檛 say he was interested
taking June鈥檚 advice to heart
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we鈥檙e talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
It鈥檚 funny how鈥攅specially in small towns鈥攚e think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won鈥檛 steal any more of my chairs.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
馃槣馃槣 Happy Saturday folks 鈽曪笍鈽曪笍
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don鈥檛 want to wake my sleeping pills.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they鈥檒l likely be hurt if you don鈥檛 actually show up after while.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I鈥檓 willing to risk it.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever