*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
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Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.