JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]