“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.