me doing my best
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
When can I start eating bats again.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes