Proctology is located in A55
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Lmbo