JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.