I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
me and my fake scenarios
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.