god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
hmm conte-me mais
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.