My dad teaching me to drive
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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Oops
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.