RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
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my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep